Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
