My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
