i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
