I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
