Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
