I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
