Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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