if i can run in heels then i can drive
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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