there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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