I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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