I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
