Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
