Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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