So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
