Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
