I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
