I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
