i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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