Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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