I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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