genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
