i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have fence marks all over my body
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
