if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
