The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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