Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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