Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
only if we run a train.
done.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize