There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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