If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
