Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
