Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
