i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
