IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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