fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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