Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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