If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
