As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize