I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
