he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
