I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize