Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
