you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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