college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
