You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
