You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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