I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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