So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
