I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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