i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
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