I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
