she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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