you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize