I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
