I'm eating all of the evidence.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
where are you?
Hypothermia
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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