Apparently you make a good broom.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
