i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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