Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
